Zach Galifianakis (Girl Fail #4)

If you think about it, being a single guy on Valentine’s Day has its advantages because all the single ladies (#Beyonce) go out to the bars with their other single friends. Thus, I decided to go out this past Valentine’s Day and test my luck. Getting off the train, I ventured to find the perfect bar to test my theory. After walking past a few bars, I noticed a five dollar bill on the pavement. As I reached down to pick it up, something caught my eye. There was a wad of cash a foot away from the $5 bill. There’s no doubt that this was drug money and it was my humbled responsibility to spend it wisely. So, I put a skip to my step as I surreptitiously scooped up the cash and headed for cover inside the closest bar.

I felt like a million bucks – well, $287 to be exact. Hell, I tend to spend close to $100 on my date this time of year and now I’m making money (it made me wonder if Cupid shot an actual arrow at a handler, who then dropped their cash onto the ground for me to find). Fully loaded and a grin on my face, I requested the best draft in the house and walked up to two pretty brunettes outside the bar’s backroom (which contained live music).

“Hi. I was wondering, do you know who’s playing tonight?” I asked. One of the girls, wearing a black and white striped shirt, smiled at me and said they didn’t know but their friend was playing after this band was done.We spoke for another minute before I departed saying, “I’m going to catch the rest of their set, maybe I’ll see you both in there.” A couple songs later, they showed up. It’s a small backroom and everyone stands within visible distance from everyone else. The entertainment was a hipster folk trio fronted by Zach Galifianakis’s part time impersonator and full time doppelgänger. I stayed in the backroom through their set as well as the subsequent band’s set. Afterwards, I decided to get myself one last drink at the bar, where I ran into the two girls again.

Seeing that one of the girls was with the drummer from the last band, I addressed the girl wearing the striped shirt again. “Hello again.” “Hi!” “So, what did you think of the Zach Galifianakis impersonator hipster group?” It was at this point that I realized 3 and 1/2 beers does, in fact, impair one’s speech. What actually came out of my mouth was “Zoe, hat did yoo tink of the Zach Gal-ee-poe-fank-us em-bur-sonator hipster croop?” She shook her head saying, “What was that?” Luckily I was able to bounce back, enunciate, and render laughter. Mind you, she was inebriated as well. We flirted for another 30 minutes until I told her that I was heading out and if I could have her number. She smiled as I took out my phone and entered her in. Then, I realized that I never got her name and never introduced myself. “I’m Single Guy in NYC by the way,” I said as I extended my hand. “Jo,” she replied. The second mistake I made was not texting her right with my name after leaving the bar. THIS IS A MUST to all you single folks.

I texted her two days later: “Hi, how’s it going? This is Single Guy in NYC – we met Friday night at____ after watching the   Galifianakis folk group”.

She never responded. So, instead of using drug money on a profligate first date, I bought myself something nice. Her loss; my gain? Perhaps.

– Single Guy in NYC



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