Ladies, your thoughts please

I would love to hear a woman’s perspective on an argument I’ve had with everyone I’ve slept with.

Like many people, I feel as though I’ve run the gamut of relationship fights (well, anything excluding children). In fact, some arguments are predictably banal, especially after your “honeymoon” phase – first 3 months of any relationship. However, I can’t seem to wrap my head around the following.

The Fight


WHEN:  Generally occurs right before sex or sometime during the deed

HOW:  She stresses a point and it escalates from there

WHAT:  With all my past girlfriends, there has been a time when they came off of birth control or they were never on it. Either it was messing with their hormones, it was too expensive, they were tired of taking it, etc. We still had sex during this time because I would simply use protection. For a reason I can’t comprehend, this has been an issue with every girl I’ve slept with.

During foreplay leading up to intercourse, we all know that awkward moment where the guy rummages around in the dark for a condom. Sexy, right? While conducting this blind search, my girlfriends have pulled me close and told me to forget the condom. “Nothing bad will happen,” or “I promise I won’t get pregnant when you cum inside me” or “You don’t need that baby,” they all say – quite seductively I might add. Doesn’t this go against every sex stereotype? Aren’t guys the ones that say “fuck it” and just pull out, all the while making their partners worried? 'I'd tell you why I'm mad, but it's difficult to translate into 'man'.'

Get this: I dated a biologist that pulled me out while having sex, took the condom off my member, pulled me towards her so that I could enter her again and was visibly shocked when I refused. She went as far as to say that because of the day, in regards to her cycle, it was statistically impossible for her to become pregnant and that we’d be foolish not to take advantage of this opportunity. She was willing to blatantly lie about the discipline she loves and devotes her life to just so that she wouldn’t have to deal with latex. Not to mention, it’s men that feel more of a difference using a condom than women do.

What ensues is not a minor altercation. Instead, this leads to hours of thunderous verbal accusations and even threats that put a strain on the relationship. Common points are “You just refuse to have sex with me this way because you don’t think I’m pretty,” or “What do you think everyone else does?” or “You worry WAY too much” or “This is what I mean when I say you don’t trust me” or “I thought you loved me!”

WHY:   ??????????

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to imply that this is a normal fight and all women are crazy. However, like I said, I’ve had this heated discussion with every girl I’ve slept with. Can anyone make sense of their argument from a women’s perspective?

Thanks for your thoughts!

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

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9 thoughts on “Ladies, your thoughts please

  1. Omg, I can’t believe these women! I have never, ever done that. What I found odd about it is that, for a woman, there’s no difference in sensation whatsoever with a guy having a condom on or not. It only affects the experience for the guys. I find it really, really weird. I can only think that maybe they want to feel fertile, or they get pleasure from having a guy cum inside them. Or it’s exciting because it’s a bit wrong. However, I can tell you why they freak out – what they have suggested is totally wrong and you saying no to it (and being the voice of reason) makes them realise that, and how silly and reckless they’ve been. Rather than allow themselves to feel bad about it or acknowledge how wrong they are they have projected that onto you. That isn’t something all women, or all people, do. That’s just what immature people do – or I guess people in a heightened emotional state, which I guess you would be during sex. Well done for being sensible though. Maybe the only way to avoid an argument is to say that you appreciate the gesture but because you respect them you want to stick with having safe sex. Or maybe it’s just a good indicator that you don’t want these ladies in your life, crazy women that they are!

  2. True. Hard to call immaturity in the moment of passion but in hindsight, that seems like the reasonable explanation. I always had my suspicions that it was the danger of it all, like simulated rape fantasies and the like. Mix in an impressive lack of foresight and voilà! You get risky sex.

  3. OMG! Those were your girlfriends?! I think when you’re in a relationship, one of the first subjects you talk about is sex and if you two use any kind of ‘protection’ (condom, pills etc.) It’s not only meant to prevent pregnancy but also STD’s. You can’t be careful enough. Plus, the consequences of not using birth control can be much more expensive 😉 I think it’s in the heat of the moment that women can’t think clearly…?

    • Bad luck, I suppose. All the sane ones are taken by the time it’s my turn to scrap the bottom of the barrel. Luckily, STDs were never a problem….just pregnancy. When male comedians make jokes about arguments that are impossible to win, I’m fairly certain this is what they are referring to. I’m no longer surprised when I have this argument anymore. Oh well.

  4. I’m baffled by their responses! The only explanation I can think of is that it’s kind of a reallllly intimate act, and so a really intimate rejection. Having unprotected sex I guess is like ultimate closeness (in the weirdest way) and the fact that you said no to their advances to that may make them feel like you don’t want that closeness they’re seeking. Its messed up though, that one party is trying to manipulate the other into doing something they’re not comfortable with. Thats not right no matter who is doing it to who. I guess try to talk through it if it happens again, make it clear thats you’re avoiding accidental baby making and that it’s not a personal attack. Good luck!

    • Luckily these fights aren’t recent b/c I’ve been single for a year now. At the time, no amount of sense got through. You can imagine how condescending I felt saying things like, “but you have the ability to get pregnant and you don’t want that right now.” Based on my experiences, one could conclude I’ve never had a reasonably normal partner. Fun fact, the biologist threatened to kill herself after I put another condom on. It’s funny now but back then, it was a much different and gloomy tale.

      Thanks for your thoughts Kat.

      • It sucks that you had to feel bad about wanting to be safe, though! That’s crazy. And that’s not a fun fact, that’s a terrifying fact! She sounds lovely and well-adjusted haha

        I mean yeah, if it happened a while ago then maybe these girls were just in need of some good ol’ maturing. That’s definitelyyyyyy what it sounds like and hopefully something you won’t encounter moving forward. It’s good that you can laugh at this stuff in retrospect, though!

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