“The economy of heterosexuality is fucked. We can’t all find good men. There aren’t that many.”
Soooooo, I got into a little twitter war with a group of misandrists (not an accusation). Which got me thinking, as per usual.
Dick pics, unsolicited DMs, forceful and crude advances, etc. are all an abomination. It’s the low hanging fruit (more like overgrown weeds) that most women have to deal with as they navigate the minefield of dating. Yet, men, too, get equally as frustrated with the dating process. Which begs the question: from a guy’s perspective, what’s the female equivalent of a dick pic?
If you read about the psychology of gender communication, you already know men and women communicate differently; crudely speaking, men are more overt yet less emotionally expressive and women are more covert yet more emotionally expressive (lending itself to active and passsive gender roles in society). And so, the female dick pic is much, much more nuanced and backed by emotional convinction.
After my twitter war, I mulled it over with a few other males and here’s what we found…
The Female “Dick Pic”
In short, one’s personal experience, while totally valid in its own right, is just that –> one’s experience. Baggage originating from a small sample size need not apply to the entire population, especially if the makeup of that sample size are strangers.
In terms of attitude, it’s the sense of deserving jadedness towards the opposite sex based upon the worst subset of said sex (e.g., sexual harassers), combined with a lack of self-reproach and a feeling that one may be settling because deep down one believes they can do better. This may take on the form of animosity (dare I say sexism) or excess baggage that gets lobbed over to the next partner; à la mode de “my ex did such and such, therefore, I’m afraid you’ll do the same thing, so I’ll treat you differently because I’m not falling for that shit again.” Instead of flashing a reproductive organ, one flashes a blasé outlook regardless of the here and now. In a utopia, everyone would be fresh and accepting to all strangers. Am I advocating that? Hell no, that’s naive, I’m advocating reasonable maturity so as not to disenfranchise good people who don’t deserve vicarious exploitation stemming from past experience.
While dick pics and (let’s say) my argument of emotional baggage are clearly not the same thing, what I wanted to bring up was how they share a common categorical root; i.e., unsolicited abuse rarely recognized by the culprit. I selected the “dick pic” instead of violent harassment because dick pics tend to be less of a personal vendetta and more of an indirect and perverted attack. Typically an attack from a stranger.
My comparison aims at measuring this up against personal emotional abuse directed towards an intimate party. Note, both are unsolicited attacks that shape how one gender views the opposite gender. Harking back to the other point —> they’re rarely recognized by the culprit because dick pics are (presumably) sent by careless scum and emotional abuse is an intangible, formidable force that festers for years. The visceral and devious nature of emotional abuse can be extremely difficult for men because (traditionally) they’re less emotionally literate, which may lead to resentment towards women just like dick pics may lead to resentment towards men.
So, my argument is against caustic and fatalistic language as I see no benefit to that form of speech for anyone. While pessimistic, I suppose I’d agree that a good friend (or partner) is hard to find…..and perhaps that’s the overarching issue here.
Let’s say, for example, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me and now I have a jealously complex with my current girlfriend. This is unfair and would put an unnecessary strain on my current relationship. Another example is the belief that most men/women are trash or sexist pigs or, more commonly, that good men are practically non-existent. You may have seen the myriad of news headlines like “Sorry, ladies, there really is a man shortage” or “It’s Not Your Imagination, Single Women: There Literally Aren’t Enough Men Out There” broadcasting somber statistics from Jon Birger’s shocking book, “Date-Onomics“.
Are they really though?
If you’re unfamiliar with the book, here’s the basic breakdown. With males comprising 59% of high school dropouts and women statistically becoming the more educated gender –> if you assume that all women want a monogamous relationship with a male in or above their educational class –> data shows this to be extremely difficult. Further, if you define a “good man” as one that matches or exceeds your educational merits, then there’s a shortage of good men.
As far as the arguments stemming from “Date-Onomics” (which are super interesting), stats are one thing, behavior is another. Not every woman wants this and not every person acts as rationally as a statistician hopes they would. I’m not denying a shortage of educated men on the market — I’m denying how a lack of good persons is uniquely a male phenomenon. In particular, I’ve seen this argument used to express how easy dating must be for men, which is flat out wrong.
Further, if reading history and learning from personal experience has taught me anything, it’s this: good people (male and female) tend to be treated like a pinball in an arcade machine. If inner demons are conquered, there’s something about a rough history that allows one to truly empathize with people and thus, treat them better than others may have.
Therefore, the notion that the rarity of being a “good man” is akin to a collector’s item or that it deeply improves and greatly adds to one’s share in the modern dating marketplace, which is evolving to become more personalized and narrow for every category other than “moral judgment,” sounds like pure casuistry to me.
And so, I present to you, dear reader, Exhibit A. A little twitter war.
The thread is a little lengthy but I promise it demonstrates my argument plus it has a twist ending! (It’s like if the Cohen Bros. and M. Night Shyamalan had a baby.)
While reading, keep in mind that suicide rates are 3-4 times more common among males than females in the western world (source: International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health). The point of bringing up suicide rates is to once again highlight how men tend to be more overt due to lack of emotional literacy (do > say). If it’s evident to you that men should work to better themselves because it would also benefit other men (and decrease harassment), then clearly derisive language directed toward an entire gender (“men are trash”) is NOT going to help. Nor is the desire for all men to recognize that they’re nothing but abject menaces and society’s trash. This is exactly what’s recommended below by proud misandrists and one prime example of the female dick pic.
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-Single Guy in NYC