The Single Life Manifesto

Dear Reader,

If despite your best efforts, how would you feel if it took over a year to get a single date? (You can fit quite a bit of rejection into one year, which is why I started this blog.) Now imagine trying to find that congenial life partner, aka “the one” to rule them all, if you only averaged a measly one date per year. Let’s say you’ve tried all the apps/sites and went to all the hip joints in your area but you came up empty (feel free to read about my failures #GirlFail). In consideration of those odds, would this change the way you live your pilgrimage as a love-laden individual? Ironically, most single-life blogs don’t narrate this story (#SerialDating) but it is mine and many others. While bemoaning myself into an assisted charcoal-burning suicide is a nonstarter, I did want to try and objectively explain my predicament since it’s more common than many think, especially for men.

(And in case you think it’s because I look like a troll or that I’m a slob – let me stop you there. Although I have no problem saying I’m average looking, I have my strong suits; e.g., physically fit, healthy eater, average height, and educated.)

Here’s a conversation I came across that perfectly depicts the disconnect I have set out to write about:

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While both sides are correct, she (@FirstDatePurg) missed his (@DateTechnician) point completely. “Dating is work.” No doubt about this but how much work is being exerted on both sides and, on average, is it equal? And how different is it? (Not trying to single out @FirstDatePurg here, I’m sure she’s a great person and a hell of a catch. Also, @DateTechnician’s reference can be found here.)

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To better explain myself, I’ll provide you with the exact antithesis of my situation, as I am confident it will be a tale you’re familiar with.

My friend Laura traveled abroad and painted the town red for the price of a venti iced skinny hazelnut macchiato with sugar-free syrup (#Starbucks). How? Well, on her second night, a chic man approached her on the street and asked her out dancing. With caution blowing in the wind, she accepted and journeyed with the stranger to a high-end club, got free entry, free drinks and free food. He was rich and well-connected with the local social elites and so, during her stay, she boogied at exclusive venues, debauched at luxurious homes, and eventually had sex with this attractive man on his stone balcony. And would you believe it? this story doesn’t end there.

After arriving back in NYC, she then captivated her peers with this enriching story, allured a wider audience via social networking sites with dreamlike photos no other tourist took and, in effect, bolstered her social status. Additionally, she’s able to use this sumptuous footage on dating sites/apps to easily attract more affluent and successful men in the city, and punch above her weight. You see, this experience doesn’t happily retire in a scrap book along with other distant memories but invariably gathers interest, allowing for larger investments in the near future.

Here’s my point:  No universe exists where this even remotely resembles my life. In fact, all imaginary universes lack the temerity to grant even a slice of this pie based on – in Conway’s cowardly words – “alternative facts.”

A more impersonal way of conveying this is to say that there are disproportionate social opportunities that present themselves to some people, particularly women, and usually with little effort from the beneficiary. Additionally, when this is cited, one often hears a retort in the form of “you just have to have confidence,” or “you can do better” or “it’s less work for guys.” Jim Jefferies, shown below, provides an equally sleazy retort.

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To be sure, this is a generalization and a half-truth. My intention is not to be divisive or rude in any way. The tone of my convictions are set to match those that truly believe it’s anyone’s game out there and if it’s easy for them, why not everyone else? Their existence immediately grants merit to this half-truth. (But feel free to argue with me 🙂 )

Why? First, as a society, we’re entering a new realm of romance with online dating spearheading the way – a modern romance, as some have called it. Second, it’s difficult to gauge just how much it’s impacting us. Granted, love will forever be an evolving hot topic and the example of Laura definitely isn’t everyone’s story but something of the sort happens every week, and I’d bet every day. As I’ve stated before, dating apps/sites in densely populated areas encourage two things:

  1. Men to be lazy (which I’m guilty of)
  2. Women to be picky (OKC and Tinder stats support this theory)

And as far as I can tell, both of these subversive traits will hinder everyone’s happiness. Consider the first point for a moment with regards to Tinder, which I can speak for. A guy’s odds of Screen shot 2017-02-19 at 8.50.16 PM.pngwinning the Tinder lottery are absolutely pathetic. Dozens of studies report stats that back up our scanty luck; e.g., out of 250,000 swipes, a male subject was only matched with 532 of them. I’ll rephrase that: after swiping right to a quarter of a MILLION profiles, a guy only received 532 matches. The best part? The majority of the matches the male profile received came from other men. A quick calculation would show that if you’re a straight male, you would have a match rate of under 0.212%. By comparison, an average female had over 8,000 matches compared to just over 500 for men. Yet despite this, I still see men in public swiping on their mobiles instead of striking up conversations with others in public. How can we be so lazy? Has online dating justified shyness and reclusive behavior?

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Furthermore, we seldom acknowledge why we’re acting the way we are. If you espouse to change or stand against the duplicitous role of Photoshop or the relentless bias towards actors and actresses with impeccable vanity in movie after movie, then I trust that you’d find it apropos to be mindful of how apps and the internet shape your interactions in the real world.

Ah, the real world of modern romance; where 1 out of 15 profiles feature a scandalous selfie of a girl squatting on a toilet (#FuckSocialNorms?). To be fair, men are equally as guilty with their photos and insipid descriptions about cheesy tacos but here’s the difference: the girl on the shitter is getting more dates than most men. Now her gag reflex may be as absent as her father figure but the fact that despite her foul lassitude, her odds of scoring a free meal with a local chap this weekend are vastly superior to mine should be contemptible.

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I’m not saying that Ms. Support-Our-Poops should die alone but what irks me is that there is a Donald Trump level of loyalty towards these people – only instead of standing in the middle of 5th avenue and murdering somebody in cold blood (and not losing votes), it’s taking selfies while pinching off a big mud monkey in their WC. And this is all men’s fault. If photos like these were as readily available in the early 1990’s, Chuck Berry would never have put those video cameras in the ladies bathroom at his restaurant. So, why are men swiping right to this aberration?

Society has assigned passive and active roles for tasks based on gender for thousands of years. For example, men took an active role in providing for the family but a passive role in the actual care of the family (house maintenance, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and visa versa for women. This is something we gingerly internalized and while there are biological origins to these duties, that doesn’t make them intransigent, as you can see with my outdated example. For the most part, what continues to transpire today – what was regarded as the baby in the bathwater – is men actively seeking out and engaging with potential partners while women typically take a more passive approach, although this changes with older age. The main downside to this method is that objectified women are consequently subjected to much more unsolicited behavior; both good and bad, for better or worse, from both the richer and the poorer. Adhering to this, establishments are consistently insecure about their male-to-female ratio and, in an effort to satisfy this insecurity, will host a “ladies night” or ladies-get-in-for-free events. (Free entry and drinks for women every Saturday at Hudson Terrace and Monarch Rooftop. Tell your friends!)

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These active/passive roles in our society are part of the reason why the superficial importance of appearance remains in the foreground. Getting dolled up is a side effect of assuming the passive role. Personally, I’d rather compliment your personality than your looks but alas, a ringing endorsement for the shoes she picked out is expected sometimes. (Side note, I can’t recall a single pair of shoes from any past relationship – they don’t Screen shot 2017-02-11 at 7.43.50 PM.pngfucking matter.) Truth is, calling someone beautiful isn’t much of an homage if you’re merely pointing out your appreciation for their genes, which they had no control over in the first place. Would you blush if someone complimented what hospital you were born in as well? No, but you recognize that beauty is vital to your passive role in the dating scheme. How many times do you hear “when will I finally find my perfect man?” In general, don’t they mean “when will the perfect man find me?” How many late night hosts introduce a guest in the following way: “We have the beautiful Jennifer Lawrence on the show tonight!” Why not “the talented Jennifer Lawrence”? She is talented as well, no? When asked why you chose your career path or hobby, how many women say they did it to meet men? I’ve lost count how many times the OPPOSITE is said; men becoming poets, actors, architects, musicians, authors, etc. solely to gain a competitive advantage and to hopefully – as Beavis and Butthead often wished – “finally score.”

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There have been noble movements across the country opposing this but like most inexplicit parades, some look the part but don’t act it. Hipster fashion rejects flashy tight yoga pants for ripped blue wash jean shorts draped over black stockings; prescription contacts for your Dad’s first pair of oversized spectacles; a matching outfit for half a dozen conflicting cultural references you know nothing about. In my mind, the goal of some hipster trends is to appear as impractically unattractive and indolent as possible. If not their bib and tucker (#sarcasm), then overt objection to the generic à la shitter selfies. However, in some respect, this is the broad reply to unwanted, unsolicited behavior (e.g., dick pics and catcalling), which is the sad trade off.

And yes, it is disgusting how many derisive pigs there are. How hawkish their openers can be. How unlettered they are. How they have become tireless parodies of themselves collecting waste while others ignore their bullish tropes. Innumerable twitter accounts, vlogs, blogs, songs, and books are dedicated to these types of scum. This is low-hanging fruit but it’s easy to vent about.

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As much press as irreverent openers get, this doesn’t add to one’s workload if you can still pull off a date with someone. Everyone should enter the world of dating with the mindset that at least 50% of men/women you’ll encounter will be shit. Tinder just helps to magnify this. Like I said before, men are generally more assertive out of necessity, so pigs flooding your inbox is sure to happen. The big downside to online dating is the ignorance on both sides. Unfortunately, many great guys waste away their chances by throwing around openers like “Hey, how are you?” or “We have a lot in common, want to chat?” because they don’t realize a women’s inbox is being filled up with competing messages and matches that are all subject to a vetting process. Who wouldn’t become desensitized to simplistic greetings or compliments? That is the center of the bull’s eye here. Neglect this at your own peril.

Yet, isn’t this the best time to be single? The ads for Match.com make loneliness out to be as fun as having herpes. I mean, you can find a date using nothing but the internet; a concept most people don’t even understand. Oh, and there’s finding someone in person; speed dating, singles mingles events, and the like. However, online dating has lost its sketchy stigma and the majority of Americans now say it’s a great way to meet someone. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, usage of young adults have nearly tripled since 2013. A few years ago, I wrote about my OkCupid social experiment, which compared my real profile as a man to my fake profile as a woman.

How useful is OkCupid for men? Well, I visited over 600 profiles and sent about 450 messages over the course of six months. Out of those 450 messages, I only received 5 replies. Yup, that is 5 out of 450. That equates to about a 1.1% success rate, where success SOLELY means getting a reply. In order words, I wasted over 112 hours of my life. Here’s a tip: you have to be inured to rejection to continue. And clearly everyone wasn’t having the same rotten luck. It may sound crazy but I consider this to be a success story from a guy’s perspective.

The social repercussions for lazy bios and gag-provoking photos are unmistakably different and don’t favor men in this era of modern romance. Would you swipe right after reading the following bio?

Looking for someone to show me the city
(aka, they know nothing about the area)
I’m great at lying and I will only complicate you
(most likely crazy and selfish)
I don’t even use this stupid app anymore
(probably won’t respond to your message)

From what I gather, women are much more likely to reject this but as unappealing as it sounds, men are swiping right because why not? What difference does it make if you’re already struggling to find a date?

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This isn’t to say women don’t struggle, but it is different and I’m not alone in saying that I would trade places in a heartbeat. Much like anything else, dating/socializing is a muscle to exercise and for many of us, we’re indulging in this numbers game because we’re reluctant to settle. Averaging 1-3 dates per year doesn’t give you enough practice in repartee, or time to polish your first impression, refine your best stories, or calm your nerves. This is where many of us part ways; I argue that 10 mediocre dates are superior to 1 great date. To put it another way, I’d rather sift through cringe-worthy openers, perverted invitations, poor dinner conversation, and a few free meals than spend another evening alone staring at an empty inbox or being turned down a dozen times in public. Love is hard; sex complicates everything, and it’s supposed to. This is why whenever I hear the type of hogwash that’s in this tweet…

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…it tells me two things:

  1. Nearly a thousand people agree with this written memento (facepalm)
  2. Those that act this way aren’t putting in the hard work required in a true relationship

Most of us are looking for that someone to fulfill and complete us. And the more relationships, sex, dates, conversations, repartee, etc. the better your chances are at coming across the one who will requite the love you share. But consider this if you still believe I operate on a level playing field: literally every person I’ve ever been with has had at least twice as many lovers and dates (albeit not always relationships) than I have hitherto. The number of dates amassed within a couple of years for many dating blogs hosted by women would take me multiple lifetimes to accrue. And if they’re having trouble finding the one, what does that say for people like me?

Is this news? Not really. But if it is true that I’m intrinsically placed at a disadvantage and the game is slightly rigged against folks like me, then it’s also disadvantageous to act or think like so many of those who don’t share this struggle. As such, I’m proposing a sort of Single Life Manifesto in an effort to steer oneself unperturbed through the tempest of modern romance.

1) Vigorously disdain unctuous platitudes such as:

  • Everything comes to you at the right moment; be patient
  • There’s other fish in the sea
  • It’ll work out in the end, just be yourself

2) View online dating resources as simple means of finding others but not the ONLY means

3) Embrace every opportunity to refine communication skills with exigent effort

4) Insatiably devour failure and rejection; eat it for breakfast, dammit

5) Always be respectful and don’t be a scornful or sleazy asshole. That lot has been amply filled without the likes of you. Ask anyone

6) Better yourself every day for there will be times when you’re just not good enough (ever seen a shirt with “Strong women intimidate boys and excite men” on the front?)

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley

If you believe this mindset would breed a life of misery, contempt and pessimism, you are  mistaken. On the contrary, it’s stoic and honest, which is useful during formidable times. And if you believe those, too, are overrated traits, here’s another platitude for you: nobody said life would be easy. That’s what true confidence looks like. And who the hell doesn’t want confidence in a lover?

“Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” – Shari R. Barr

A friend once comforted me by saying, “You know what your problem is SingleGuyInNYC?”

“What?”

“You just got to be yourself and let someone come to you.”

We sat in silence for a few seconds before laughing to tears. It was the best damn joke I’ve heard in a long while.

And that’s my point.

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

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12 Days Of New York Christmas: Dating Edition

On the 1st day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: AN UNFORGETTABLE GIRL FAIL

On the 2nd day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me:  TWO WOMEN WITH TAYLOR SWIFT LYRIC TATTOOS

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On the 3rd day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: THREE NIGHTS CAMPING WITH MY EX

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On the 4th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: FOUR OVERZEALOUS DRACONIAN FEMINISTS

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On the 5th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me:  FIVE SANCTIMONIOUS #BLESSED HASHTAGGERS

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On the 6th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: SIX WHORES IN THE DRAWERS

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On the 7th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me:  SEVEN WET BLANKETS WHO HAVE MET THEIR FRIEND THRESHOLD

On the 8th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me:  EIGHT ENTERTAINING IDENTITY CRISES

On the 9th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: NINE DUCK-FACE SELFIES

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On the 10th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: UPTALKING OR VOCAL FRYING DEBUTANTES

On the 11th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: ELEVEN BATHROOM MIRROR SELFIES  (I get it, you use the toilet, you’re potty trained and we’re all super duper proud of you but I don’t need photo evidence of this. Seriously.)

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On the 12th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: TWELVE REPLY-LESS MESSAGES

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This is in response to New York Cliche’s Christmas post. If you’re not familiar, check out her site and follow her on all the social media business. She’s cool, quirky, urban, and – wait for it, wait for it – cliche (ba dum tsh; facepalm). But in a good way.

Spread the love.

Happy Holidays/Christmas/Anti-Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah!

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

13 Reasons Why Men Suck (Part 3)

Here are the top deplorable reasons why men suck. (Part 1 and Part 2)

4) We can be emotionally unavailable. Not to say we’re autistic or sociopathic but some men believe themselves to be (or pride themselves in being) impervious to the emotional. Tacit Psycho.jpgnorms label the full gamut of emotions as taboo and in order to heed your duties of manhood, we shelter tears lest we be held accountable for them and written off as a girl or homosexual. Stemming from older generations where this was more rife, we are our father’s sons. (A close friend of mine still prides himself in having never cried. His wife attests to it too.) Stoicism, rather than perfunctory introspection, is widely understood as a masculine trait and until we divorce these characteristics from one another, men will continue to displace their sentience erratically, using women as punching bags, even if just verbally. To be sure, empathy is a muscle that MUST be exercised, so I encourage you to question yourself and challenge this archetype.

3) Beauty’s pedestal: This goes for both sexes but I believe men are more culpable. The point being, we award too much to appearances and allow it to influence our perception of others. “Have you met Karen? She works in Marketing. She’s so hot.” “Damn, I’ll definitely have to meet her then!” And when you do, her jokes are funnier; thoughts are perfectly insightful; ideas are intrinsically novel; touch is more enchanting; requests are registered as tests of affection. However, maybe there’s more to Karen than her tight ass. (Or, maybe not – I don’t know, I just made her up.) Will I ever grow up out of this insatiable, often times incorrigible, POV? While I’m unable to dissociate myself from my neurological makeup, and my sensitivity to visual stimuli, I try not to remain spellbound by beauty and break free from this Mortal Kombat “FINNISH HIM” daze whenever I can. After all, we are not identical to our thoughts, emotions or desires.

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2) Catcalling or street harassment is unwanted comments – most often, sexual or objectifying – made by strangers in public spaces. While this is commonly tied to urban harrass.jpgareas, make no mistake; this is a global issue with contemptuous consequences. According to a Washington Post article published in June of 2014, the nonprofit organization Stop Street Harassment released their findings in the first national study on catcalling. This bar graph notates the percentages of public harassment in America by gender. Compared to similar polls conducted (for instance, from another anti-harassment organization, Hollaback!), this graph’s estimates may be conservative. You may remember the #NoWomanEver campaign on Twitter, followed by the less meaningful #NoManEver trend, or the Hollaback! video 10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman, or Jessica Williams’ version of it from the Daily Show. The purpose of these pieces is to raise awareness to incredulous men by providing proof of what so many don’t experience or see. It’s worth noting that shameless men that catcall women are also jerkoffs to other men but in less of a lecherous manner.

1) According to a 2010 CDC report, approximately 1 in 6 women are victims of abuse (compared to 1 in 71 men). It’s no secret that unconscionable men embodying much of these 13 Reasons Why Men Suck are the initial perpetrators but it doesn’t end there. How those in the media, criminal justice system, and state legislature deal with victims, and the alleged, is just as relevant. How many spotlight cases from this year alone can you think of? Brock Turner and all the victims of Bill Clinton and Donald Trump probably come to mind. Whether every story is true, I don’t know. What is imperative here is that we don’t shun those who do speak out. (Most instances of abuse aren’t officially reported.) Ironically, we can do this while remaining slightly skeptical in cases mired in political leverage, as seen with this past election. Only with a safe space in which these victims can tell their stories can they finally have a chance at proper justice and vindication.

Agree with my list? Was there something I missed? Let me know!

And remember, we don’t all suck.  :p

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

13 Reasons Why Men Suck (Part 1)

Excuse the sleazy title but I’d like to offer some counterweight to the common tone of my narrative and provide a list of male shortcomings. There will be “basket of deplorables” level generalizations but I trust you’ve come prepared with a grain of salt and an internal laugh track waiting to be cued.

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In reverse order:

13)  Female orgasm is superior. Depending on whom you ask and how they classify their O moments, there are anywhere between 3 and 11 different types of female orgasms. Not only that but – on average – men have shorter orgasms (5-22 seconds) compared to their female counterparts (~20 seconds). And while I’ve been the cause of many, the aftereffects never cease to amaze me. The first time I heard “Holy shit, I can’t even move right now” after a long session, I asked her if I should call an ambulance. And I was serious.

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12)  Suck at staying in touch. Some men don’t buy into the whole “brotherly love” culture and unless you’re sharing some activity with your boys (e.g., baseball league), you’ll inadvertently lose touch with those once close to you. In short, we often disservice ourselves and our relationships.

imm.jpg11)  Stupid immaturity. Often disguised as boyish and endearing, our silliness can get us into trouble as an adult. My cryptic password at work used to be BigTittedBJs69. (I was in one of my sarcastic moods.) It wasn’t a problem until I got locked out of my desktop and had to forward ISD my access credentials so they could unlock my account. “I’m sorry, was that Big Titted Bee Jays Seventy-nine? Oh, I see. It’s sixty-nine. Gotcha.” #LessonLearned

10)  Moreover, we squander our time. Whether it was Wilde or Shaw that came up with “Youth is wasted on the young,” it comes as no surprise that this tidbit was uttered by a male. Sometimes it’s the unwillingness to advance to the next step in a relationship, other times it’s becoming complacent with regular sex, or perhaps it’s overstaying your welcome at a job where you enter blowjob-related passwords everyday. Some of us aren’t future-oriented and we’re the worse for it.

9)  Misunderstanding people; women in particular. Although not everyone is easy to read, most sensible humans exhibit repetitive patterns. Patterns can be elucidated and used to predict tones of behavior. It’s with this that I hope we can extirpate idiotic gibes like “What are you, on your period?” Or “You should lose some weight” and so on. This goes further than uttering dumb shit; it’s the injustice of not bothering to understand those around you.

Click here for Part 2!

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

Thoughts On White Women Stereotypes

Let’s face it, some stereotypes exist for a reason and white women are no exception. Since this is my general demographic, it would be idle to deny it as a factor in how I approach, talk, and date them.

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For example, it’s in my best interest to assess how close they may be to the suburban/privileged white girl stereotype. Red flags may include, but not limited to, the following:

  • Hiring someone to walk their dogs – in a kid’s stroller
  • Dealing with the same adversities you dealt with when you were 15
  • #Blessed or “everything happens for a reason
  • Making a duck face while posing for a photo
  • Talking in acronyms – “O.M.G. this is, like, my jam!
  • Claiming to be a nerd b/c they once read a graphic novel
  • Saying “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best”
  • Or “I love nutella, uggs, leggings, Victoria’s Secret bags and Katy Perry
  • Complicating Starbucks orders
  • Facebook check-ins
  • Googling themselves

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04I hate to sound fatalistic but I’m quite confident that if I bring one of these gals back to my neighborhood, they would think differently about the relationship. Now, I’m not exactly saying I live in the ghetto but my area has a few salient traits that rub some folks the wrong way. Last week at midday, I went to get my mail and there was a man in the dirt speaking absolute drivel to himself and smoking a glass pipe, possibly crack but I’m not sure. Remember,this was in broad daylight, he doesn’t live in my building and is a complete stranger. My neighborhood isn’t dangerous but if you’re not accustomed to these types of areas, it’s easy to become disillusioned.

Recently, I invited a woman over for dinner. Like me, she’s a NYC transplant. Dinner was great but it was obvious from the few palatable comments she made about my street that I was going to have to walk her back to the train at the end of the night. And, I did. It’s never elucidated but, instead, tacitly agreed upon that she won’t be coming back here again. So much for my bachelor pad.

Full disclosure, I’m not saying that I don’t embody a few lame stereotypes myself (after all, I do author a blog) or that any of these traits are intrinsically abhorrent. Only some of them are.

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

Guy Responds to 14 Single Women On How They’d Prefer A Man To Hit On Them

As a single guy who approaches women in person – which is quickly becoming more and more antiquated – I wanted to share my thoughts after recently reading an article posted by the societal blog, Thought Catalog. For all intensive purposes, I kept the format of the blog post the same and casually spliced in my commentary. You can find the original post here.

1. “I have actually been waiting for a guy to say ‘Did it hurt?’ So I can respond by saying, ‘When I fell from heaven, yes, but that line hurt more.’ That would be so satisfying.” —Alexis, 24

I sincerely hope Alexis gets her wish because that would be hilarious. However, this line is much superior than “Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.” Although, I enjoy that one as well.

2. “Don’t tap me on the shoulder, especially if we’re in a bar. It’s just weird. If you’re going to say hello, be where I can see you.” —Nichole, 25

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This is a great point. If it’s one thing we can learn from Star Wars: Episode IV, it’s that Dr.Evazan and his fly-faced pal Ponda Baba  were being dicks to Luke Skywalker in the Mos Eisley cantina. Lest you getting amputated by a lightsaber like Evazan, you best avoid tapping women’s shoulders. Apologies for letting my nerdiest show.

3. “I like a guy who lets me approach him. Give me a couple enticing eye glances so I’m confident you’re interested, and that’s all I need.” —Natalie, 24

As for the remaining 99% of men that know this technique is utterly futile, let me just say that I hear your chuckles and see your eye rolls. It’s like my friend once said to me, “You know man, you just have to be yourself and let the women come to you.” We sat in silence for five seconds, then laughed and laughed.

4. “If he says anything that would come up on Google after searching pickup lines, NOPE.” —Valerie, 23

Wait. Are you searching Google right after someone hits on you? If so, let me retract my statement about a junk refrigerator.

5. “I think it has more to do with the woman you’re approaching. If she’s nice to a fault, she’ll be cordial no matter how you approach her, but if she’s the kind of girl who’s brutally honest and doesn’t care what people think, she could tell you to go screw yourself.” —Rachel, 26

This is the truest comment out of all 14 women. +1

6. “I just like a simple introduction. ‘Hey, I’m (insert name here).’ It’s really not that complicated or awkward.” —Christiana, 24

Disinterested-Woman

Oh, how I wish it was that simple. Unfortunately, most men have to conjure up something more eloquent and witty than that in order to avoid insufferable silences or replies of indignation. I truly feel terrible when I get the look (i.e., what the woman in this pic is doing).

 

7. “Buying me a drink is always a good start, but don’t try to guess what my signature drink is. Let me tell you so I don’t have to pretend to enjoy some fruity concoction you thought I’d love.” —Cate, 25

If this was her first thought when asked how someone should approach women, then screw you Cate. Seriously. Also, who the hell is buying you a drink, guessing what you would like, and not letting you interject with a flirtatious suggestion or hint? Screw those guys as well but I don’t think there are many that do that.

8. “I’m not too judgmental when it comes to how a guy tries to hit on me. It takes balls for him to approach a woman in the first place, so I’m not going to be too hard on him when he does.” —Michelle, 24

I want to high five this gal. If the guy isn’t acting like a pervert and/or a dick, it’s always appreciated if we get the same in return.

9. “Give a compliment, it’s simple. Nothing creepy though, don’t say anything about breasts or ass.” —Bianca, 26

gaffThis is a tricky one. First off, if someone doesn’t know you, they most likely have to compliment something material and physical. At this point, your success rate will definitely be choppy. It’s like the Jim Gaffigan skit where he claims that attractive guys can say “Hi” to women and they’ll think, “Oh, he’s nice” but when an uglier guy does the same, they’ll think, “What does he want?”

10. “Tell me I’m pretty. I’ll love you forever.” —Morgan, 23

Looks like Morgan has some deep-rooted insecurity issues. If you weren’t anonymous, I’d give you the number to my therapist   :p

11. “I like something funny. If you make me laugh, I’ll want to talk to you.” —Liz, 25

Similar to #9, this is a tough one. Humor is like religion – everyone has their own take on it, even if you’re a fan of the same denomination. Personally, I always find a way to tell a joke less than a minute into the conversation but there is no guarantee that it’ll be gold.

12. “Honesty is always best. If you’re approaching me because you think I look good, then just say that. I’ll take it as a compliment and probably engage in casual conversation after.” —Dayna, 25

Perhaps I should just give the “Hey, you look good” line a try sometime. Granted, it will probably fail miserably but I’d be trying Dayne’s advice and will write about it.

13. “Give me at least a half hour before you try making out with me.” —Zara, 25

Aye aye Zara.

14. “Just be genuine. If you have the confidence to be who you are, then you’ll be fine whether I like you or not.” —Ilana, 26

Oh, how I wish this were ubiquitously true.

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC