“I Have My Moments”: Being Single, True, and Happy

No one’s ever been interested in me solely for my looks.

I’ll make you laugh and think but ultimately, I’m forgetable; I’m optimistic but will drown you in caveats; I’ll hold the door and pay the bill but I’ll pick the wrong restaurant; I’ll promise to take care of you, as I become extremely ill; I’ll always remember your birthday and our anniversaries but forget to compliment your new dress; I’ll kiss you first but probably wait too long; I’ll start a conversation but never know how to end it, not to mention that I have a million stories, half of which you won’t care for.

Essentially, I’m the lyrics to “One Hand In My Pocket” but without the chorus hook.

That’s who I am. No fluff. I’m a guy who’s not ideal for many but I have my moments. Most of my ex-girlfriends said they loved me to the moon and back but, to be honest, I don’t know what that means anymore.

These are my musings as a single guy in New York City, underscored by the fact that I love NYC women more than they love me.

So, does this fatalistic attitude damn me to another 800 dateless days and unintended celibacy? Or will it paradoxically lead to a greater sense of belonging and wellness?

Many wise thinkers, such as Aristotle and Maslow, believed the key to optimal wellness was self-actualization. In short, your happiness depends on your ability to take an honest look at yourself — the flaws, wrinkles, downsides, upsides, etc. — in order to fully understand your potential so that you may live a creative, true, and fulfilling life.

Gee, when I put it that way, it sounds sort of simple, don’t it?

Problem is –> we’re not wired that way, both socially and neurologically.

That is, oftentimes our well-being appears to be dependent upon our self-perceptions (particularly false one), pride, self-esteem, social circles, and, in many cases, even our careers and livelihood. (“Dating ______” or “eating _______” or “working for _______” will certainly cheer you up.) Many of these concepts rely on our “ideal self” — you know, the one that orders salad instead of fries, or doesn’t squander money on things your don’t need, or tells the funniest jokes, or deserves that promotion — rather than your “actual self” and it requires one to be tirelessly exigent and truthful.

Reconciling the two “selfs” can be emotionally painful.

Meaning, your ego will be tarred and feathered, flogged, deprived, and pilloried in the public square with its scars flagrantly on display for insatiable assailants to deride.

And yes, many believe this to be the path to happiness, as well as other positive attributes, such as humility. (Which I happen to find sexy AF.)

What else do you get for being an ego-masochist? A truer, more objective, experience of the world. And if you’ve ever been around those with mental disturbances, you’ll know how much of a gift that is.

Harking back to the beginning of the post, what examples of your true self are hard to admit? What are the downsides of being your friend, partner, lover, customer/client, bartender, etc.?

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC

Ladies, your thoughts please

I would love to hear a woman’s perspective on an argument I’ve had with everyone I’ve slept with.

Like many people, I feel as though I’ve run the gamut of relationship fights (well, anything excluding children). In fact, some arguments are predictably banal, especially after your “honeymoon” phase – first 3 months of any relationship. However, I can’t seem to wrap my head around the following.

The Fight

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WHEN:  Generally occurs right before sex or sometime during the deed

HOW:  She stresses a point and it escalates from there

WHAT:  With all my past girlfriends, there has been a time when they came off of birth control or they were never on it. Either it was messing with their hormones, it was too expensive, they were tired of taking it, etc. We still had sex during this time because I would simply use protection. For a reason I can’t comprehend, this has been an issue with every girl I’ve slept with.

During foreplay leading up to intercourse, we all know that awkward moment where the guy rummages around in the dark for a condom. Sexy, right? While conducting this blind search, my girlfriends have pulled me close and told me to forget the condom. “Nothing bad will happen,” or “I promise I won’t get pregnant when you cum inside me” or “You don’t need that baby,” they all say – quite seductively I might add. Doesn’t this go against every sex stereotype? Aren’t guys the ones that say “fuck it” and just pull out, all the while making their partners worried?

Get this: I dated a biologist that pulled me out while having sex, took the condom off my member, pulled me towards her so that I could enter her again and was visibly shocked when I refused. She went as far as to say that because of the day, in regards to her cycle, it was statistically impossible for her to become pregnant and that we’d be foolish not to take advantage of this opportunity. She was willing to blatantly lie about the discipline she loves and devotes her life to just so that she wouldn’t have to deal with latex. Not to mention, it’s men that feel more of a difference using a condom than women do.

What ensues is not a minor altercation. Instead, this leads to hours of thunderous verbal accusations and even threats that put a strain on the relationship. Common points are “You just refuse to have sex with me this way because you don’t think I’m pretty,” or “What do you think everyone else does?” or “You worry WAY too much” or “This is what I mean when I say you don’t trust me” or “I thought you loved me!”

WHY:   ??????????

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to imply that this is a normal fight and all women are crazy. However, like I said, I’ve had this heated discussion with every girl I’ve slept with. Can anyone make sense of their argument from a women’s perspective?

Thanks for your thoughts!

-Single Guy in NYC
@SingleGuyInNYC